The Barriers Within Yourself
by IShouldBeWriting
Summary: Jess and Becker have a serious talk when the cracks in his emotional armour finally gape to widely to be ignored.  This story picks up exactly at the end of "Soul Is On Its Knees", the previous story in my "Breakable" universe.


_Author's Note: I have to give a huge thanks to my two Livejournal betas: Not_From_Stars and -xbellaitaliax_, without whom this story would NEVER have gotten finished!_

_Bj~~Bj~~ Bj~~Bj~~ Bj~~Bj~~ Bj~~Bj~~_

_Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~Rumi._

_Bj~~Bj~~ Bj~~Bj~~ Bj~~Bj~~ Bj~~Bj~~_

In the lavender-shadowed quiet of pre-dawn, Jess' hand stroked lightly across the head in her lap. She'd been unspeakably grateful that Abby and Connor had asked no questions when she'd asked them if they wouldn't mind going out for the night to give her some privacy. Bless them, they'd simply nodded agreement and said they'd see her at work the next morning. They were her flatmates and it was inevitable that they'd eventually find out about her growing closeness with Captain Becker. But if they'd had any inkling as to how she'd be spending her evening, they hadn't let on. For now while everything was still tenuous she was immensely glad they'd given her space and trusted her enough not to ask questions.

Previously Becker and Jess had been reticent to intrude on each other's personal lives. Not tonight. A fundamental shift had taken place between them as she'd held him while he cried. Shaken by the realisation that they'd unexpectedly stumbled onto the edge of a precipice in their relationship, Jess had been unwilling to back away. It'd felt rotten to capitalise on his weakness but she wanted desperately to get beneath the armour to see if the man inside could ever be healed.

He'd been drained, raw, and vulnerable afterwards. The tattered shreds of control he'd regained were barely enough as they'd gathered their belongings. Becker quietly acquiesced when she offered to drive them both back to her flat for dinner. She could tell that he was trying to put himself back together but Jess would have none of that. As they drove she'd rested her hand on his leg taking unabashed advantage of the way in which her touch flustered him. He'd unknowingly given her the key to keeping him on edge and Jess used it shamelessly to prevent him from barricading himself back up within his own head and heart.

At her flat, she'd wordlessly taken his coat before pulling him down onto the sofa. Without asking permission she'd straddled his lap, wrapped her arms loosely around his shoulders, and waited. He'd sat stiffly for a few moments before finally reciprocating the embrace with a frustrated sigh.

"You're not going to let go of this, are you, Jess?" he whispered with resignation.

"No," she replied firmly.

"Why won't you give up?" he asked.

"Because I believe that somewhere behind that stiff upper lip and those iron-clad walls of yours is someone worth knowing. Just talk to me, yeah? Start with something simple; what caused you to lose control of yourself earlier on the firing range?"

Becker bowed his head, breathing a trifle unsteady as Jess' fingers combed gently through the short hair at the base of his neck. It seemed that every response he gave was slower as he fought the distraction of her caress. She continued the simple gesture, intent on using it to keep him off balance. She had no intention of letting him regain his emotional equilibrium enough to go back into hiding. When he finally met her gaze again the emotionless walls he usually kept in place were nowhere in sight.

"It wasn't something you did, rather I did it to myself."

"Come again?" Jess queried with a slight tilt of the head.

"Inside my head it's like a bloody minefield," he said ruefully. "Tonight I'd managed to forget whom I was instructing. Sorting out the problem with your stance and your aim was precisely what I would have done for any of the men under my command. But you're not a man; you're a woman to whom I'm deeply attracted. Offering dinner reminded me of that and suddenly the way I was behaving was completely inappropriate."

"While I'll grant that I'd rather not get caught out by anyone at the ARC just yet, I fail to see how your behaviour was wrong."

Becker ran a hand though his hair in irritation, fingers inadvertently tangling with Jess' at the nape of his neck. She held them for a moment with a small smile before letting him complete the motion.

"It was completely improper of me to use my position of authority as an opportunity to invade your personal space."

"Did I complain?" Jess fired back.

"Did I?" she repeated angrily when he failed to answer.

"No, but-" he responded.

She cut him off, placing a finger across his lips before he could finish voicing the thought.

"Exactly; no. I don't find anything you've done thus far inappropriate. I didn't complain because I enjoyed your touch. Someday when you're ready you'll tell me why that scares you so."

He shook his head, unwilling as yet to continue that avenue of conversation. Jess bent down and lightly brushed a kiss across his stilled mouth. She'd been about to pull away when Becker closed the distance between them to sweetly and gently return the kiss.

"You're right; touching you scares me. My desire to touch you, to be close to you, frightens me."

"Why?" she prompted with a whisper, leaning her forehead against his.

"Seminary taught me that it was sinful to desire a woman who was not your wife. In the social circles in which I was raised, it was considered improper for a man to spend significant time with a young woman unless he had the most serious of intentions."

"And do you? Have serious intentions, I mean," she asked.

"Maybe," he responded hesitantly.

"Then trust me to speak up if ever I feel you've done something for which I'm not ready."

Jess kissed him again and this time Becker lingered tenderly in his reply. They broke apart with a smile when her stomach rumbled.

"I believe you'd said something about dinner?" he laughed.

With a sheepish grin Jess rose from his lap and moved toward the kitchen. Becker followed her, leaning back casually against the work surface as she gathered together ingredients. Jess' graceful movements spoke of long familiarity and routine. Rice went into a pot and vegetables and meat were cut up. A pan of water went onto the stove with a lid. When she crossed in front of him again, he reached out to pull her close.

"Tell me about what you're doing?" he begged, "I had no idea you knew how to cook."

Jess leaned back into his embrace and he tucked his chin onto her shoulder.

"Growing up, it was just mum and I. Dad died when I was 2. I remember almost nothing of him. Mum worked for the Japanese consulate so Gran would take care of me when mum worked late nights. Unfortunately, Gran cooks everything to death," Jess said with a melodramatic shudder.

"I may not be much of a cook, but what you're making looks more like stir fry than boiled potatoes," Becker responded, intrigued by this glimpse into Jess' past.

Jess extricated herself from his arms to continue the cooking process. She balanced a steamer on top of the boiling pan of water, placing a plate of shelled beans inside.

"When I was ten mum's boss was transferred back to Japan and offered her the chance to transfer with him. Mum packed us up without so much as a by your leave and moved us both to Japan. I don't regret it now, but I was miserably lonely my first year there. Eventually I made new friends like Yuriko, whose dad worked in the visa and passport office. Her mum found out that I was mostly on my own after school and began taking me home with Yuriko. She rather adopted me as one would a stray puppy and she was the one who finally taught me to cook. I may not know how to make a Christmas pudding, but I can tell you where every shop is in London that sells sushi quality fish. "

"How long did you live there?" he asked with interest.

"I moved back here to attend university," Jess kept talking as she pulled a green glass bottle from the fridge and two tiny cups from a cupboard. "Mum still lives in Japan. I haven't been to visit in ages what with the job and settling in. Care for some sake while dinner's cooking?"

Becker thought for a moment before responding with an affirmative.

"You must miss her terribly," Becker replied.

"Rather a lot, yes. We have video chats often but it's not the same as having her here."

He took a carefully considered sip, then a larger one as he enjoyed the smooth cool bite of alcohol. Jess saluted him with her cup then returned to the stove to continue dinner preparations. The plate of shelled beans came out of the steamer only to be replaced with another plate of wrapped dumplings. Meat was tossed in a pan along with leafy greens.

"Mind bringing down bowls for me?" Jess requested, with a nod towards one of the cupboards, as she turned off the burner.

Becker moved in beside her to take down the bowls. He stayed close, watching her serve out rice, add the beans, meat, and greens, then plop a couple of dumplings for each of them on top. Jess refilled his cup of sake before grabbing her own and leading them towards the lounge.

They ate in companionable silence, Becker thoroughly enjoying the food as he contemplated this newly revealed facet of a woman who'd become even more intriguing than he'd previously imagined. Occasionally Jess would give him a nervous glance. He could tell that she was trying to figure out what he was thinking but for the moment he had no intention of enlightening her. She'd managed quite successfully to keep him off balance for most of the evening. Now that he was finally regaining some of his equilibrium, he decided it was only fair to turn the tables.

When their bowls were empty, Becker reached over and gave Jess' hand a wordless tug. Looking curious she complied and he guided her to sit on the floor between his legs. Becker ran a gentle finger down the side of Jess' neck from hairline to collar. She trembled, letting her chin drop forward to rest on her chest. Taking it as encouragement, Becker trailed his fingers down the side of her neck more firmly as he felt for the knots he knew were there from earlier in the day.

The silence between them wove a spell as Becker stroked and soothed his way down her neck and shoulders. A frown of concentration graced his features as he carefully worked through layers of tightened muscle leaving behind soft and pliant relaxation in his wake. Eyes closed, Jess' only response was the occasional sharp hiss when his slender callused fingers managed to find a new tender spot. Each time he shushed her with a whisper.

"Easy," he murmured as his thumb rubbed circles into the tension until it released once again. He reached across to the table for a drink before continuing his ministrations.

"I could keep at this if you'd like, but its bound to leave you black and blue and rather sore tomorrow. What say I give you another one of these in a few days?"

Jess nodded loosely as she tried to get her feet under her again. Laughing at her uncoordinated movements, Becker wrapped his hands around her waist and helped her slide up onto the sofa beside him.

"Oi, don't laugh! Its your fault, I'm half asleep."

"Hmmm, I'm a bit tired myself, " Becker replied.

"Why don't you stretch out here for a little bit?" Jess suggested as she scooted over to the end of the sofa to make room. "Just catch a quick nap before I run you back to the ARC to pick up your car."

"Are you sure you don't mind?"

"Why on earth would I mind? I rather enjoy spending time with you, you know."

Becker gave her an open, foolish, grin that she'd never seen before as he stretched out on the sofa. Startled, Jess realised with delight that while he'd regained his composure over dinner, his emotional walls were still down. He'd intentionally allowed himself to remain defenceless in her company. Knowing how rarely anyone saw this side of him, Jess couldn't help but feel rather speechless at the implied trust.

Becker shifted and shuffled around trying to get comfortable and eventually Jess just had to laugh.

"Stop being silly already. Just ask me to move so you've enough room to stretch out all the way, or put your head in my lap. I promise, I don't bite."

"Oh, but maybe I'd like it if you did," Becker purred in return with one of his trademark smirks. (not picking up an error here, just wanted to say…'guh' :D)

Jess' eyes went round as saucers as she sat frozen in astonishment. Becker's head settled onto her lap and she distractedly ran her fingers through his short silky hair.

After a few quiet minutes, Jess whispered, "would you really like it if I bit you?"

Becker cracked one eye open and smiled in amusement as he beheld a flustered and blushing Jess.

"One of these days, we'll have to find out, won't we?" he replied softly.

_Bj~~Bj~~ Bj~~Bj~~ Bj~~Bj~~ Bj~~Bj~~_

"Show me your hands. Do they have scars from giving? Show me your feet. Are they wounded in service? Show me your heart. Have you left a place for love?" -Fulton J. Sheen


End file.
